There are some days I feel like I know who I am, and there are others, where well... I don’t seem to know what I’m even doing in this world. I can’t help to wonder how many people are stuck in this world like I am.
But that’s not exactly the question I have at hand here. I’m not sure if there is even a question at all.
Hi. My name is Erin Johnson. I know a few people expect the cliché I like long walks on the beach, eating a scone and coffee (I tend to escape who I am through the fun English language), but as simple as that is... my life has not been long walks on the beach… it has been quite an adventure. I don’t want to bore you with the life story that I’m sure will come with hopeful encounters with you all. As of today, I am trying to find myself, find my purpose, as we all do in this melancholy, brash world we live in.
I have been lost for so long on who I am. How do you even truly know who you are? You would think that has a simple answer. I feel, to know who you truly are is a journey of a lifetime. So where does your journey begin? Does it begin with the first time you opened your innocent eyes? Is that innocents through a child’s eyes the answer... I would like to say yes. I remember specific moments before I was corrupted by the disaster we encounter along the way; my mother would sit down with me to pray before bed, and I would always take over the prayer. I would ask God to give me and the world the ability to forgive and help the world. I would pray, “Dear Lord thank you for this day, thank you for my mother and the house we live in and the food we eat. I pray lord for the ability to help the poor. I pray that this world finds care in their eyes to help the hungry and shelter the homeless so we can be there for each other, improving this world through you.” Now for a child at 4 years old, that is profound, as my mother would tell me. I’ve always felt in the eyes of a child, the innocents and care they have for the world are astounding. Yes, we should take after them. Yes, that kindness and gentleness we are born with is still there. Another time in my life I was visiting my sister who was in school abroad. She was in a program to study Spanish in Merida, Mexico. (Sidebar- if you feel the want to get away and learn and explore- don’t lose yourself in this place we seem stuck. Take chances!) Anyway, my mother and I were walking down the streets; I remember seeing small children doing anything they could, exploiting their young talents of singing and dancing with sticks for drums in tattered clothing, covered in dirt from the ground as they sweat trying to do the thing they know how to dance. I saw they were tired though; it was ruining the fun of our picture-perfect childhood dance sesh in the streets. I remember I started crying and begged my mother for everything we had to give these kids money and food for them to have a better home and life. I told her, “There has to be something else we can do?!”
And here I am at 29 years old with that same question. Where did the utter craving go for kindness and care for the world? I turn on the news, open apps, read bios, etc., etc... All I see is us in this world finding the smallest shred of dignity we have as a culture and biting on it like a fish at dusk. Nibbling bit by bit, until we have nothing left. Now, where does this leave me? Do I wake up every morning with the same routine not improving my routine or chance to live until it’s too late? Is that what we all do every day? I keep enrolling myself in countless activities to try to make a name for myself. A resume as many would say. I mean, I served tables for ten years and paid my way through my associates in college. During that time the search for who I was was.. intensive. Lost. Abysmal to be exact. I was of the world. When I say that, I mean every day we wake up, we pass the same drunk on the way to our coffee shop, go to our day-to-day job, or make money however we must. On any day of the week, we feel fit, we go get plastered in the bar, drive or Uber home, invite a guy from tinder over to relieve the week's stress in search for love (which sometimes ends up more stressful), maybe your thing is much simpler. Just doing what we want when we want. I never understood that just because these are the things I saw and were submerged into in this world, this society we have created to be socially expectable is not.
Sorry, back on topic. So, once I finished my associate's, I felt I had much more to accomplish. I felt I had a calling for something I just couldn’t put my finger on. That is when I joined the military. I have worked for 3 long years to finally be awarded my golden wings as a United States Navy Aircrewman. One thing I can say with passion is I love fighting for this nation. This opportunity has taught me a great deal with many experiences along the way. And yet here I am with that same feeling I’ve had before. You're just not there yet Erin. You haven’t found why you’re here. I have recently enrolled myself in personal training, for the pure joy of exercising. I’m a fitness freak, or I thought I was. Then I enrolled myself in a Master Herbalist class. I’m a health lover! My whole family is herbalists…. I have the plan to enroll back in college in January to finish my degree in kinesiology to become a Physical therapist, which I’ve planned my whole life… and yet I can’t finish any of it. I feel stuck. Out of place. Something is just not right…. But then it hit me. Be Not of the world… I guess this is the time to find not what I'm supposed to do, but who I am. It reminds me of the movie Anger management. He had that seen when he sits in the office of his new anger management class where the psychologist asks him to tell everyone who are you? Adam Sandler starts explaining his job and his hobbies, when he’s interrupted by the psychologist saying, “Dave, I don’t want you to tell us what you do, I want you to tell us who you are.” Adam Sandler seems to go through his personality traits with no other way of explaining who he is. On the outside, I’m thinking WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! How else would you answer that question? The only thing I have finally come up with is where is my soul. Who am I living for? What is the purpose? What is my purpose?